Top ten unwatchable Amazon Prime / Netflix shows

Imagine Spotify functioned the same way as Netflix or Amazon Prime. Instead of having a virtually unlimited library of millions of songs and albums which cross genre, history and geography, you’d have a handful of the worst reviewed albums of the last few years which were free to listen to. But what if you fancied playing something specific, and decent. Like Tusk by Fleetwood Mac or London Calling by The Clash. Then it would cost £3.99 per album, which you’d rent for 48 hours. That’s the equivalent for Amazon Prime – the Netflix model wouldn’t even have most albums, and certainly only a handful before 1980, and probably only a couple that weren’t American or British. On top of that, Amazon and Prime both have their own in-house band, which would be totally derivative and more like a bad karoeke covers band, but at least free, with occasional flashes of something decent (like Queen’s Gambit or Roma).

For every half decent streaming show, there’s a hundred atrocious ones. We may not be currently suffering from FOMA (Fear of Missing Out) but we are from FOWS (Fear of Watching Shit) so we go from series to series, watching an episode or two, not being able to get involved in anything. Most series are so violent, derivative, mediocre and plot-based, devoid of any originality, insight, nuance or subtly, they all blend into one.

1. Virgin River (Netflix)
Watching paint dry may be more stimulating but something about Virgin River I found quite therapeutic, so undemanding and uninvolving was it. Most worryingly, many of the characters suffered from an affliction called flashback, otherwise known as thinking about the past; most of us can do it whilst performing other tasks. Not so with the characters in Virgin River, where a flashback involves total immersion, rendering them unable to see or hear anything outside their flashback. Not advised when driving.

2. The Hundred (Amazon Prime)
The Hundred (so named because of the amount of programmes it blatantly copies) and in fact most other dystopian fantasies all depict primitive man after the apocalypse engaging in constant warfare. It makes for more exciting entertainment, sure, but time and time again research has shown that so-called primitive societies were (or are, in the few remaining) far more productive when they practice peace and cooperation. In fact, it’s only with the onset of civilisation that mankind became more and more destructive and brutal, and lusting after power, wealth, land etc. (It’s as if the powers that be want to demonstrate, hey, if it all goes wrong – if you dare oppose neoliberal capitalism – this is what society will become. What tosh.)

Anyway, The Hundred is a dumb show, very violent, with many repetitive scenes, only the location and characters changing.

3. How To Get Away With Murder (Netflix)
Didn’t make it to the end of episode one.

4. The Mess You Leave Behind (Netflix)
Highly-rated Spanish thriller. Dunno, we just stopped watching it after a few episodes and forgot all about it.

5. The Hunters (Amazon Prime)
Offensive and ridiculous.

6. Bosch (Amazon Prime)
I reached for the eponymous power drill before the end of the first episode.

7. The Americans (Amazon Prime)
Hard to believe that a Soviet undercover married couple living next door to an FBI agent who kill, shag and wear ludicrous disguises for a living could be so dull.

8. Behind Her Eyes (Netflix)
I must have just watched an arty film on Netflix (yes, they do exist, and the BFI has a great list of obscure gems on both Amazon and Netflix – South Sudanese horror film set on an English council estate, anyone? They got it). Anyway, I thought, what are people watching now, and consulted Netflix’s ‘Top 10 in the UK today’ list, and started watching Behind Her Eyes, which was at number one. And managed about five minutes of clichéd drivel before switching it off. Presumably it gets better.

9. Outlander (Amazon Prime)
As mentioned previously, an entire episode devoted to an all-night male rape scene in a prison cell proved too much.

10. Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan
You know what, whether it originated on the BBC or Channel 4 or Netflix or Prime, whether it’s The Man in the High Castle, Russian Doll, Wallander, Orange is the New Black, Catastrophe, Fleabag, The End of the F***ing World, The Alienist, Absentia or Sex Education – they’re all a complete waste of time.

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