Mel and I had just had an all day long area meeting in Liskeard and needed to, as she put it, “decompress”. A trip to Trago was the obvious solution before heading home.

It was my first time – I’d been to the smallest Trago shop in Falmouth (there are now also branches in Newton Abbott and Merthyr Tydfil) but this was the original empire – which had famously started off as a shed and ended up a castle – I’d heard so much about. I had seen it from above many times, as I gazed out the train window on a lovely forest below me, often seen with sea mist drifting over it, only for my view to be accosted, as the train went over the viaduct, by the hideous concrete car park and complex that is Trago.

Built on the site of an abandoned gunpowder works a few miles outside of Liskeard, it’s hard to believe it could have been similar to the beautiful nature reserve Kennall Vale in Ponsanooth, also an abandoned gunpowder works. Instead we have Kernow’s Kubla Khan.

The light was beautiful when we arrived, the sun low. But Trago Mills is a pretty weird place. Tame chickens wandered freely all over the car park. We walked along the lovely flowing River Fowey towards the shops, adorned on its banks with ugly, gold-painted sculptures, all of them heavily laden and loaded with symbolism and political satire (a sign below a sculpture of Alice and the Mad Hatter asks, ‘Alice in Wonderland or Caradon Council Tea Break?’ – Caradon Council was a district in Cornwall which included Liskeard).

Brexit, the EU, Sir Edward Heath (due to his pro-Europe views), local council (primarily the planning department for refusing Robertson’s various planning applications), the Inland Revenue; no government department is free from the sarcasm of entrepreneur and founder, Mike Robertson, who died over a decade ago. His son Bruce now runs the operation and appears to follow in his father’s footsteps.

From all accounts quite a character, the UKIP-supporting Mike Robertson was openly racist, xenophobic and homophobic. Every week for thirty years he had full-page adverts in 17 local newspapers consisting of a mix of products for sale at Trago and Robertson’s ‘editorial’ rants. Writing under the pen name Tripehound, his diatribes were usually against the EU, local council, Muslims and gays.

As we approached the shops, raggedy peacocks freely walked past us, seemingly oblivious to people or cars. The complex now consists of various small shops, cafes and a bakery, but the main building, over three floors, optimistically / ironically dubbed Cornwall’s IKEA / Disneyland / Harrods / Debenhams and apparently selling 180,000 items, is the main destination for all.

It’s mainly a gloomy, depressing affair, feeling stuck somewhere in the 1970s and not in a good way. With lifesize cardboard cut-outs of security guards inside the store, and ‘LITTER LOUTS & PLANT THIEVES ALL PROSECUTED’ signs outside, it has the feel of a totalitarian, nanny state.

Famed for its bargains, I mostly saw aisles and aisles of over-priced tat (though actually some decent books, vinyl, art materials and cacti). It pretty much sells everything, from kitchen sinks to Leonard Cohen records. I emerged with some over-priced marmalade; Mel a book on folk music.

Trago is a Cornish institution that has been going for over fifty years. If you’re Cornish you either love it or hate it (probably both) – and everything it stands for. If you’re not Cornish, you probably couldn’t care less.

Amazingly, the local press still gives Trago Mills plenty of advertising (minus the hate rants), in the form of press releases masquerading as articles. CornwallLive, DevonLive, PlymouthLive and WalesOnline (all owned by Reach) regularly publish pointless articles about the shop, such as CornwallLive’s 41 Trago Mills tips, tricks and hacks you need to know before your next trip.

It was time to go. The sun was setting. We emerged from Trago as if we’d been lost in a dystopian Twilight Zone. We were older, hopefully wiser. The car park was now empty except for the hens and peacocks.

Some Trago links
UK Court battle over 'offensive' ad rants (BBC)
From Russian Wellies to 'Janner Disneyland': How Trago Mills started and became a retail empire (PlymouthLive)
Fire rages through Devon shopping village (BBC Devon; read some of the many comments)
Here's how Trago Mills became a massive success (CornwallLive)
Store boss learns price of talking tripe (Indpendent)

Previously on Barnflakes
Notes on Farmfoods
Fisherman’s Friends at the new Hall for Cornwall