The Metros

The Metros is a dreary new weekly BBC3 drama about a group of young, professional metrosexuals working together near London Bridge, at an unspecified yet obviously badly-paid and poorly run financial company with horrendous toilets.

The young men – all aged between 23 and 33 – see no contradiction between starting a sentence talking about football and finishing it talking about face cream.

We follow them week by week in the office, in the pub and in the gym as they pretend they’re tough men by endlessly discussing football and drinking and finishing every sentence with the word ‘mate’. However, the laddish artifice is eroded by their simultaneous debates about diets, hot lunches, tea, fashion, lotions, haircuts and jogging.

The series culminates with the metros discovering they are all, in fact, homosexual. After an out-of-office-orgy, and feeling guilt-ridden, sticky and dirty, they commit mass suicide.

But seriously, folks, in my day, anyone with an asymmetrical haircut and tight trousers was either weird or gay or both. Getting in touch with your feminine side was a way to get chicks into bed. But times and fashions have changed and trimming ones pubes is simply taking care of oneself.

Metrosexuals, once a nasty rumour in the 1990s, are now ubiquitous. And they’re looking good (if gay) – well, they would, seeing that they've emulated homosexuals in just about every department. In fact, if anything, females have started to let their side down a bit. Men generally are looking better than women nowadays; they're making more of an effort and the results are paying off.

Although people generally like looking at those of the opposite sex, there’s a theory that heterosexuals actually prefer looking at those of the same sex. We like to see how our own kind dress and act, possibly getting fashion tips and the like, and generally checking out the competition.